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 The Makings of a Story

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Rhissy

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Posts : 87
Join date : 2014-02-01
Age : 27
Location : San Antonio, Texas

PostSubject: The Makings of a Story   Sun Feb 09, 2014 3:46 am

I wrote something that I'd like to share with everyone, if you haven't already read it. Yes, I know it needs work and editing. I have more to add but I'm lazy as hell. D:

Spoiler:
 


Last edited by Rhissy on Sun Feb 09, 2014 5:46 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Lotta

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Posts : 114
Join date : 2014-01-30
Age : 23
Location : Portugal, surrounded by 4 loud dogs and 1 cat

PostSubject: Re: The Makings of a Story   Sun Feb 09, 2014 9:08 am

Hm... It's a bit of a sad short story with a sweet end. Why would her mother force an abortion on her, though? Is she underage?

It's a bit confusing since you jump into the past and then back to the present so quickly. But, as it is, it gives out kind of a blurred messy-like feeling that seems to be what Zaryn is feeling. I think that's good since, like this, the reader will feel the same as the character.

You said it's not edited so I won't pin point anything more ^_^
It's really well written and bitter-sweet. As much as I dislike stories like that, I also end up loving them at the same time. The picture idea was also nice and I was kind of expecting her to end up falling asleep with it in her arms (got it close enough though).

I would ask if you can please add some spaces between paragraphs. As it is, it's kind of hard on the eyes. Smile

Will be waiting for more stories to read~
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Rhissy

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Posts : 87
Join date : 2014-02-01
Age : 27
Location : San Antonio, Texas

PostSubject: Re: The Makings of a Story   Sun Feb 09, 2014 5:45 pm

I shall, It' only the beginning though. I've got an idea to write something that happened before this and then finish up with whatever afterwards lol. And yes, she's 16, still in high school.
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SkySaber

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Join date : 2014-02-02
Location : Palm Springs, California

PostSubject: Re: The Makings of a Story   Sun Feb 09, 2014 7:22 pm

You did great! A tip that's always offered is to show instead of tell.

"she cried out in desperate pain"

Show us instead of telling us.
Even if you change nothing it's still good.
I work with editors. one of the things that really piss them off is when people use capital letters on ALL the words they want to emphasize. Doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, I know what it stands for for instance but its a pet peeve for another type of audience.

Try to use something aside from common action words "Tripping" for example can be changed to make it seem better. I usually go back to those words and think them over for a day or two. Running, maybe shambling? (to show people desperation rather then a simple run?) ect.. ect..

Hope to see more of your work!
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Rhissy

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Posts : 87
Join date : 2014-02-01
Age : 27
Location : San Antonio, Texas

PostSubject: Re: The Makings of a Story   Sun Feb 09, 2014 7:29 pm

Okay, first, I love you. That helps a lot.
Uh second, are you saying that I did tell you with that sentence or.. didn't? I'm confused. xD

3. I always love this type of criticism, it helps me get better. :3
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Lotta

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Posts : 114
Join date : 2014-01-30
Age : 23
Location : Portugal, surrounded by 4 loud dogs and 1 cat

PostSubject: Re: The Makings of a Story   Sun Feb 09, 2014 8:46 pm

Oh...so she's still sixteen. Poor girl =(
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