| | The Makings of a Story | |
| | Author | Message |
---|
Rhissy
Posts : 87 Join date : 2014-02-01 Age : 33 Location : San Antonio, Texas
| Subject: The Makings of a Story Sun Feb 09, 2014 3:46 am | |
| I wrote something that I'd like to share with everyone, if you haven't already read it. Yes, I know it needs work and editing. I have more to add but I'm lazy as hell. D: - Spoiler:
The pregnancy test slammed to the ground with vicous force as she started sniffling. She knew it was true, she knew what was going on, what would happen. She knew she had a choice. Zaryn picked the stick up slowly, squinting at it with a sad sigh. The tears were already beginning to drench her face as she silently let them go. Frustrated, she slammed it down on the bathroom counter. "Now what?", she thought, frustrated and slightly depressed. She sat on the toilet, looking at the ugly yellow wallpaper that was crumbling down the wall. She didn't know what to do or where to go. She knew her mother would force her to get an abortion, and she couldn't just give up the child, for she had wanted one for this long. She couldn't do that to herself. Zaryn sighed softly, letting her tears come to an end. She would just hide it. It's not like the baby would have a father anytime in the near future. That's what ended most of her life a week ago.
Screaming, crying. That was all that was coming from Zaryn as she watched them roll him into the ambulance. She felt the strong arms around her, holding her back from the twisted metal that was sprayed across the concrete like spray paint on a wall. She tugged even harder, finally able to get out of the man's reach. Running, nearly tripping, trying so hard to get to the doors before they closed. She already knew he was gone. "Stop! Please! I have to see him!", she cried out in desperate pain. It was too much for her 16 year old body to comprehend. She collapsed halfway to the ambulance, screwing up her wrist pretty badly as she was trying to catch her fall. Blurry, darkness..that's the last thing she saw.
Zaryn threw the test away, got up, and walked out of the bathroom to the hall. She glanced at a picture on the wall. It was of him and her, standing at the fairgrounds, the big stuffed unicorn in her arms, the laughter on her face as she was trying to kiss him on the cheek as he kept trying to push his ice cream come to her face,. It was a happy time, a happy memory. Zaryn lifted both hands to the picture frame and pulled it down off the wall, slowly walking to her room while staring at the picture. "You'd know what to do Cam, you always did. Why do I feel like my life is lost without you? I shouldn't have been this attached, but I am.", she mumbled softly to the picture. "I was." She laid down on her bed, holding the picture up in front of her face. "How am I going to raise a BABY without you? Maybe...just maybe we should have waited.", she thought about it for a moment and then took back her thought. "How could I say such a thing, it's connected to you, it's yours. I have YOU right here with me. We can do this..together. Just don't be mad if I find someone else, okay?" She set down the picture on her bedside table, turned out the light, and rolled over, attempting to sleep.
Last edited by Rhissy on Sun Feb 09, 2014 5:46 pm; edited 1 time in total | |
| | | Lotta
Posts : 114 Join date : 2014-01-30 Age : 30 Location : Portugal, surrounded by 4 loud dogs and 1 cat
| Subject: Re: The Makings of a Story Sun Feb 09, 2014 9:08 am | |
| Hm... It's a bit of a sad short story with a sweet end. Why would her mother force an abortion on her, though? Is she underage? It's a bit confusing since you jump into the past and then back to the present so quickly. But, as it is, it gives out kind of a blurred messy-like feeling that seems to be what Zaryn is feeling. I think that's good since, like this, the reader will feel the same as the character. You said it's not edited so I won't pin point anything more ^_^ It's really well written and bitter-sweet. As much as I dislike stories like that, I also end up loving them at the same time. The picture idea was also nice and I was kind of expecting her to end up falling asleep with it in her arms (got it close enough though). I would ask if you can please add some spaces between paragraphs. As it is, it's kind of hard on the eyes. Will be waiting for more stories to read~ | |
| | | Rhissy
Posts : 87 Join date : 2014-02-01 Age : 33 Location : San Antonio, Texas
| Subject: Re: The Makings of a Story Sun Feb 09, 2014 5:45 pm | |
| I shall, It' only the beginning though. I've got an idea to write something that happened before this and then finish up with whatever afterwards lol. And yes, she's 16, still in high school. | |
| | | SkySaber
Posts : 13 Join date : 2014-02-02 Location : Palm Springs, California
| Subject: Re: The Makings of a Story Sun Feb 09, 2014 7:22 pm | |
| You did great! A tip that's always offered is to show instead of tell.
"she cried out in desperate pain"
Show us instead of telling us. Even if you change nothing it's still good. I work with editors. one of the things that really piss them off is when people use capital letters on ALL the words they want to emphasize. Doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, I know what it stands for for instance but its a pet peeve for another type of audience.
Try to use something aside from common action words "Tripping" for example can be changed to make it seem better. I usually go back to those words and think them over for a day or two. Running, maybe shambling? (to show people desperation rather then a simple run?) ect.. ect..
Hope to see more of your work!
| |
| | | Rhissy
Posts : 87 Join date : 2014-02-01 Age : 33 Location : San Antonio, Texas
| Subject: Re: The Makings of a Story Sun Feb 09, 2014 7:29 pm | |
| Okay, first, I love you. That helps a lot. Uh second, are you saying that I did tell you with that sentence or.. didn't? I'm confused. xD
3. I always love this type of criticism, it helps me get better. :3 | |
| | | Lotta
Posts : 114 Join date : 2014-01-30 Age : 30 Location : Portugal, surrounded by 4 loud dogs and 1 cat
| Subject: Re: The Makings of a Story Sun Feb 09, 2014 8:46 pm | |
| Oh...so she's still sixteen. Poor girl =( | |
| | | Sponsored content
| Subject: Re: The Makings of a Story | |
| |
| | | | The Makings of a Story | |
|
| Permissions in this forum: | You cannot reply to topics in this forum
| |
| |
| March 2024 | Sun | Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat |
---|
| | | | | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | Calendar |
|
Latest topics | » Shin Megami Tensei IMAGINE: OOC by Lotta Sun Apr 03, 2016 11:15 am
» Class data by icey Thu Mar 31, 2016 11:29 am
» Hello all. by icey Thu Mar 24, 2016 11:00 pm
» Shin Megami Tensei: IMAGINE - Character Profiles by Lotta Mon Mar 21, 2016 12:04 pm
» Phantasy Star Online 2 (SEA, English) by Kitara Mon Aug 17, 2015 9:20 pm
» What my (M) character looks like in an (F) outfit (for lols) by Lightning Wed Jun 04, 2014 12:59 pm
» Hey its Jillana by Lotta Sun May 04, 2014 9:29 am
» Luna/devin`s art hideout by Guest Mon Apr 28, 2014 11:40 am
» Results of Fooling Around by Lotta Sun Apr 27, 2014 5:56 pm
|
|